Time for Goodbye
“What do you mean you haven’t told
her yet?” Jane whispered quietly “We are supposed to be going next week.” Jane
sighed and shook her head. “I understand it’s difficult.” She continued softly
“but it’s been months and I know you and Lisa need this to be over. Everyone
can finally say a proper goodbye. It’s for the best and the cottage is booked.”
“I know. It’s just she rarely
answers the phone now a days and I haven’t had time to pop over.” Brian replied
sounding anxious.
They didn’t realise I could hear
them. I closed my eyes enjoying the sun streaming through the windows and
imagined I was at the seaside. I loved the sea, the crashing waves, and bracing
fresh air. I hadn’t been in a long while come to think if it. Not since Harry
became ill. I shook my head dislodging the thought and tried to relax and enjoy
the sunshine again but the moment had passed. I felt a familiar lump form in my
throat and my eyes watered.
“Hey Mum.” I heard Brian say as he
eventually entered the room, “How you doing?” I smiled and nodded. He came over
to the chair I was sat in and perched uncomfortably on a small footstool. “Jane
is just making a cup of tea.” As he finished the sentence Jane appeared with a
tray, three mugs and a plate of biscuits. She also had a bunch of flowers
wedged under her arm and struggled to open the door. I’ve always liked my
daughter in law, she’s kind hearted, and I can see my son clearly loves her but
we’ve never really gelled. I’ve always felt she looked down on me and Harry a
little. I remember when Jane and Brain married I fretted for weeks about my
outfit. I feared I would show Brian up and didn’t want to appear dowdy in the
wedding photos. Of course Harry said I was being silly and Brain wouldn’t care
if I showed up in my cleaners smock. The day had been lovely and even I had
been pleased by my appearance in the photos.
Harry had looked fabulous in his suit and we’d reminisced about our own
wedding day. The sound of the tray being put down dragged me back to the
present.
“Mum we wanted to talk to you about
dad.” Brian said holding my gaze, “Do you remember me saying about going on
holiday?” I shrugged feeling confused. What holiday? What did Harry have to do
with it? I saw Jane and Brain exchange a worried look. I sighed wishing I could
go back to my seaside dream. “I’ve booked it. We go next week. All of us.”
“Mary it will be lovely. We can have a stroll along the sea front and
spend some time together. I think it will do you the world of good. You’ve been
cooped up a lot lately.” Jane smiled.
“I’ll help you pack. Just let me know what you want to take. It’s only
for 4 days but will be great. The boys are excited. We’ll take Harry and say goodbye.”
I understood what they were talking about now. Various friends had told me it
was time to move on. People seemed to think I was living in the past. I had been
withdrawn but liked being home with my thoughts. “We’ve been worried about you
Mary.” Jane said softly and stroked my arm, “The children have missed you.” I
missed them too but just seemed to lack the energy and motivation.
“Mum we all need to move on. Dad
would hate this.” I knew Brain was right but I wasn’t ready. I wanted more time.
Jane and Brian chattered on about times and places but I didn’t take much
notice. Later when they had left I noticed Jane had stocked the fridge with
four cooked meals all neatly labelled. It was kind of her as I hadn’t much felt
like cooking recently and I realised I was fortunate that she cared.
The following week I was picked up
and our holiday began. The children excitedly babbled in the back of the car. Both
boys said they were happy grampy was coming with us. I had mixed emotions. Their
happiness was infectious however and I began to feel lighter than I had in
weeks. Once we arrived at Hollowell Shores the boys raced off. Both needed to
get rid of some energy after being stuck in the car for several hours. Jane
unpacked and I surveyed the little cottage. It was in a beautiful location. A
small play area was a few feet away and you could see the sea in the distance.
Seagulls squawked overheard. My daughter Lisa appeared and hugged me tight. Lisa
and Dave (her husband) had travelled in another car and arrived a few minutes
after us. “Isn’t it lovely? I wonder if the beach huts are still there.” She
said kissing my cheek. “It’s lovely to see you mum. I’ve missed you.”
The day passed quickly and as night fell I had
the best night’s sleep in months. The sea air seemed to have cleared my mind. The
following day we went down to the beach. The beach huts were still there and it
was a beautiful day. The waves gently lapped the shore and the sky was dotted
with white fluffy clouds. The boys raced off looking for crabs. “Mum I think
dad would love this.” Lisa said sliding an arm through mine. “It’s hardly
changed.” As I stood looking at the sea I realised it was time to say goodbye. I
had been selfish in my grief and removed myself from my family. I had worn my
grief like an invisible coat and as the sun shone I realised it was time to
take it off. “You’re right love.” I replied squeezing Lisa’s hand.
For the first time in 9 months I
talked about Harry. We had brought Lisa and Brian to Hollowell Shores many
times when they were young and memories came to me in vivid flashes. I laughed
and cried as I recounted stories including an unfortunate incident involving a
fishing hook and trip to the local hospital. Brian fetched the urn from the car
and we all stood on the beach our feet getting wet as we let the ashes scatter
into the sea. “Bye Grampy.” Oliver said eyes watering.
“Don’t get eaten by a shark.” James
said smiling and waving. We all stood peacefully for a few moments before James
continued “Or a seagull. I hate seagulls.” I laughed and ruffled his hair.
We enjoyed the rest of our break
and Brian enquired about the beach huts. We put our name on the waiting list
and vowed to return every year to have a family holiday with my beloved Harry.
